10 Things I Hate About You

I hate the way you talk to me,

And the way you cut your hair.

I hate the way you drive my car,

I hate it when you stare.

I hate your big dumb combat boots,

And the way you read my mind.

I hate you so much it makes me sick,

It even makes me rhyme.

I hate the way you’re always right,

I hate it when you lie.

I hate it when you make me laugh,

Even worse when you make me cry.

I hate it when you’re not around,

And the fact that you didn’t call.

But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you,

Not even close,

Not even a little bit,

Not even at all.

I Wish

I wish I didn’t have to say,

about the pain I suffer from the words you often say,

how tired I’ve been ‘trying’ to be the woman you want,

and the sadness that just happened because it turned out that I also had to give up my dream.

I wish I didn’t have to write,

about the journey of my life, about the feeling from highest high to the lowest low,

a love letter to get you when many girls also want you,

and my feelings while growing into a woman.

I wish I didn’t have to hear,

about how does it feel to be truly loved without expecting anything in return,

the story about me, that I brave enough to be honest with myself, to achive things that I desire

and advice and prophesy about what I will be like in the future.

Hopefully, the word “didn’t” can be deleted in my writing.

Heal the Pain of Your Past

Do you ever feel emotional pain from your past resurface at night, just when you are trying to fall a sleep?

Each time a painful memory is recalled, it’s makes you cry out as if the memories had just happened yesterday. But the fact is that your pain already happened several years ago, maybe five years ago.

Sometimes I can’t accept what happen in my past and wasn’t feel completely fine. Then I questioned myself, why is this happening?

On the other side, there are times when you are feeling anxious and alone, often criticize yourself, and push yourself too hard to reach your idealism. And in the end, you’re feeling guilty for spending time hating yourself, hating your past.

However, healing isn’t easy. Healing is a process. It becomes easier when you learn to accept your past, and you could feel the positive emotions. When we think about the healing process, woke up with a happy soul and a free mindset is our hope.

We hope we can find a way to inner peace and acceptance.

At an earlier time, I used to think that the bitter memories were a curse for me. But that thought turned out to be wrong. I have fathomed that life is a process of growth, for how we respond to the past. There is no need to carry the same feeling of hatred. Healing the pain of the past will be much better than finding excuses for justification.

When I am fully aware and ready to begin healing from the emotional wounds of my past, I was wondering how do I start healing myself? These are five ways that I do during the process of self-healing:

  • Neutralize the story of your past

Being stuck in the pain of the past is very unpleasant, especially if your mind is filled with anger and inner disharmony because your past still haunt you. Take a breath and free your mind. Find one thing that can neutralize your uncomfortable past experience. Not all bad pasts have to be rewarded with something bad, say no to your negative minds when your memories bother you again. When you can neutralize your story and see things clearly, then you’ve learned that the past has taught you a lot to become a better person. Say thank you to your body, as well as your mind.

  • Don’t hold the pain you’re going through

When you’re feeling hurt by the pain, express those feelings. Find out if you feel better if venting to a friend, writing in a diary, or share your feelings directly with the person who hurt you. You deserve to express your feeling, expressing everything that is weighing heavy on your soul.

  • Mindfulness – Here and Now

Mindfulness is a way of practice yourself to focus on happening in the present moment by involves awareness and impartiality. When you focus on the here and now, you have less time to think about the past. When the memories creep into your consciousness, saying to yourself, “It’s okay. That was the past. Now it’s time to let go.”

  • Make the decision

Maybe you’ve tried to heal your past. But the pain is still there. When you are stuck between past and present, have you ever had unfinished business with someone? Maybe you can step forward to make conscious and rational choices. You need to commit to “Let it go.” And also, having a mantra that you are able to tell to yourself in times of emotional pain can help you reframe your thoughts.

  • Acceptance and Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a way of letting something go. Forgiveness isn’t a sign of weakness. By accepting and forgiving the past, you have learned to continue to withstand adversity and bounce back and continue to grow. Let the past be the past, and those memories won’t affect your core self. It’s because you know how to respond to your memories positively. Stop blaming and forgive yourself. Let go of your past rule, be honest with yourself.

Although everyone’s past is different, I understand healing it’s not easy to do. But you only live once, let yourself rest and be filled with peace and happiness. Enjoy your journey to freedom. Now, have you been able to heal from your past?

Akhir

Apa kabar?

Pertanyaan-pertanyaan masih lalu lalang di kepalaku

Pada kisah yang terburu selesai dengan tanda koma

Cuaca oktober kian menyiksa,

Mendung dan sendu, dulu punya kita

Perlu kau tahu adakalanya aku benci dengan lampu kota,

dan bangku kayu, dan tangga,

dan tak mampu aku menguatkan diri sendiri

Alkisah dua manusia perlu batas untuk mengakhiri penderitaan

Menerima kepedihan dan ketidakmungkinan

Menepi atau memilih jalur

Malam itu, hiruk pikuk jalanan agaknya menyadarkanku

Bahwa mendoakanmu sama seperti menyembuhkan luka di tanganku

Sedari awal kita tak pernah betul-betul membenci,

kini yang tersisa hanyalah penyesalan

Berbahagialah.

Yogyakarta, 28 Oktober 2020